Monday, January 7, 2013

10 Useful New Year’s Resolutions


1. No more procrastinating - like posting New Year’s Resolutions over a week after New Year’s Eve.

2. Eat less, exercise more. I heard somewhere that this might be the way to lose weight and get into shape. Also, something about carrots being better than deep fried twinkies and crazy stuff like that. Will report back on this one right after snack break.

3. Read more books and watch less tv. Hahahahaha.

4. No more getting mad when idiotic, selfish morons return their Redbox dvd’s with smudges and scratches, and not saying things in your head to these imaginary reprobates, like, “Really, dude, you can’t wipe the snot or popcorn butter off your filthy paws before handing your rental discs?” as you clean off your dvd.

5. Be grateful for the edited version of “Downton Abbey” that PBS airs and not rage over the full version that can only be bought from those communist-capitalists at PBS.

6. Make more money. I’m not quite sure how to achieve this one, especially in this economy, but try setting a realistic goal like $40-50 million since that’s what the payout on SuperLotto is this week.

7. – 10. Be concise. Sure, I could come up with 4 more resolutions for my top 10 list, but who has time? You’re busy, I’m busy (read: lazy), so let’s just agree that all types of wonderful things will happen for us in 2013 without much effort on our part.

Happy New Year!