Saturday, May 26, 2012

10 Things That I Wished Actually Worked

1. Rechargeable batteries. I have about four different chargers and 55 different kinds of non-working batteries lying around the house. I remember how optimistic I was each time I bought a new kit, and how certain I was that I was going to be saving money while saving the planet. Sucker.

2. iCloud. At this point it just sorta saves what it wants when it wants, and I don't argue with it.

3. Our gardeners. There is nothing garden-y about the land around our house. It's a mess. And sometimes on Monday's, sometimes not, our gardeners show up to water the concrete and blow air around the surrounding thicket. And they're not even cute.

4. Siri. This is the "talking assistant" that comes with the iPhone 4s. Its ridiculousness has been more well-documented than hilariousness of cats on the web.

5. My anti-aging skin cream.

6. Our cappuccino machine. Every so often I'll pull it out and dust it off for a party, but, really, whom am I kidding?

7. Any weight-loss/muscle-gain product. Including (but not limited to) diet sodas, diet anything, meal plans, badly-made contraptions to firm body parts, sneakers that keep you off-balance, hand weights that jiggle unnaturally, and pulsating leg warmers.

8. "Whisper-quiet" fans. Maybe hard-of-hearing giants whisper this "quietly." I don't know. What I do know is these fans are loud. Like, wind-tunnel loud.

9. The windshield wiper/squirter thingy. Something always go wrong, whether it's the windshield wipers, or the fluid sprays too far, or there's not enough in there - it has never worked in any car I've been in.

10. The "hilarious" remarks I attempt to make. They always seem so much funnier in my head. Which is probably where they should remain.

Thursday, May 24, 2012


Does anyone remember the time right after 9/11 when Snark was declared dead? It didn't have the bite it once had, once that towers could fall from the sky and we found out that people we didn't even know hated us and wanted us dead.

Of course, Snark soon raised its ironic head again and came back stronger than ever in a digital world ruled by tweets and blog posts.

But lately I've been wondering: Does Snark make us more authentic or less?

On the one hand, I love the idea that people don't necessarily take everything they're told at face value, and that we mock the b.s. that we were once supposed to swallow without question.

On the other hand, when everything becomes so facile and pithy, does it crowd out serious discussion? Are people who have serious thoughts but can't express them in quick, quippy snippets excluded from the conversion? And when they do go on for a paragraph or more, by calling it a "rant," are we diminishing its value?

I don't know.

I worry about it sometimes.

But not while I'm FaceBooking or Tweeting or watching my favorite t.v. shows, of course.

Wednesday, May 23, 2012


I'm thinking of making this a regular feature: where I ask you, dear reader, to explain something that's out there in the media. It's something that everyone talks past, but no one really explains.

Today's  question: Could someone please explain to me what it means that Ford can now use its blue oval again? I mean, were they not allowed to use a blue oval before because they somehow put it into hock? How exactly does one do that?

You know, I have a "j" in my name. Could I hock the dot above the "j"? Who gives people money for such things? And how can I get me some?

And what if Ford had used the oval when they weren't supposed to? What would have happened to them? Is there some sort of Secret Polygons Police that we don't know about? 

What further confuses me is that I've seen Ford use that blue oval over the last few years. And I've read that they've used it. So what does it mean that it was put into hock, but now that they've been "upgraded" - they can use it again, even though they never STOPPED using it!? It's crazy, right?

Yet everyone in the media talks or writes like this all makes perfect sense.

If you have any insight into this matter, please leave a comment below and enlighten me, before it drives (Ford, drives - get it? - ha!) me nuts!


Saturday, May 19, 2012


As everyone's already seen by now, Will Smith has slapped a reporter for trying to kiss him on the mouth.

As a spokes-fairy for the entire FTEC (Fairy, Troll, Elf, and Centaur) Community, I just want to say that I support Will!

Yes, I know he famously refused to do an on-screen kiss when he portrayed a gay character in "Six Degrees of Separation." And yes, I know that Will went back in for the slap after he'd already pushed this kissing bandit/Eurotrashy-reporter away.

But the sleazy reporter's lips did brush against Will's. And who knows where those lips had been? Yuck! I'd be pissed too if I were Will.

No means No, even in Homo.

I think Will had every right to feel angry and to lash out. And I think he did it in an assertive, yet not aggressive way – the perfect balance.

What do you think?

Friday, May 18, 2012


So today, boys and girls, we're going to talk about Feelings.

Specifically, Conflicted Feelings.

You see, while Peajaye was exercising at the gym this morning, a bad, bad monster snuck into his locker and stole a credit card and all the cash from his wallet.

But it wasn't until later, when Peajaye was in the marketplace, that he actually opened his wallet and realized that things were Missing.

The odd thing was, even as he stared at the empty spot where his credit card had been and at the empty slot where his cash had been, Peajaye's brain couldn't figure out what had happened. For a few seconds at least. But in those few seconds, nothing made sense. And yet everything made sense.

This was yet another piece of evidence of how horrible the creatures were in Ghouliwood, where Peajaye lives, and why Peajaye hates it so much.

Yet, the Thieving Monster did not steal Peajaye's drivers license or any other cards in his wallet – all of which would have been huge hassles to replace. So Peajaye felt a little grateful to the Thieving Monster. And a little bad for it, since the Thieving Monster must have been pretty desperate to do such a horrible and despicable thing.

But Peajaye still hated the Thieving Monster for stealing from him, since Peajaye did not have all that much himself.

And he still hated the gym owners for doing nothing to prevent such thefts. And he still hated the city of Ghouliwood for being such a haven for such slime. And he still hated the law enforcement squad in the city, for being so uninterested in doing anything to pursue any matter that did not involve the bloody death of a celebrity.

And yet he still felt grateful to and sad for the Thieving Monster.

The End

Thursday, May 3, 2012

Quest for the Magical Crystal Pad (Part 3)

When we last left Peajaye, he was in the Apple Tree, about to be led through the "process" of purchasing a magical Crystal Pad.

So a fine and jolly round helper elf walked Peajaye over to the table where there were some magical Crystal Pads on display. "Now what you need to do," continued the jolly round elf, "is to type your name into this magical Crystal Pad, and then you are put on a list. And then, when the next helper elf becomes available, he or she will come and help you – just like magic! But you need to stay in this area so that the helper elf will be able to find you!"

So even though Peajaye wondered why this elf couldn't simply hand him the Pad so that he could buy it, the good fairy typed his name onto the list. His was the fourth name on it, even though there was only one other creature waiting for help near the table. Peajaye wondered darkly what had become of the other two creatures who had been waiting.

But soon, a helper elf came by and helped the creature who had been waiting before Peajaye. And then Peajaye waited. And waited some more, even though many Entitled and Confused customers marched into the store and were helped by other helper elves.

Finally, a friendly and rotund girl elf wandered up to the table and, like one of Santa's elves, check the list twice. She looked around, and seeing only Peajaye, asked, "Did you need help with the magical Crystal Pad?"

"Yes," Peajaye replied. And then he rattled off the exact Crystal Pad he wanted, complete with the specifications.

"My, my," laughed the elf girl. "It looks like someone has done his homework! Just let me go in back and get you that Pad, and then we'll set you up, and you then you can be on your way!"

"Yay!" cried Peajaye. And off the elf girl went. And then Peajaye waited. And then waited some more. He then spotted the girl elf, holding a box with a new magical Crystal Pad, walking and talking with another customer.

So Peajaye walked up to the elf girl and reminded her about his magical Crystal Pad that she was carrying around. And good thing he did, for the elf girl shook her head, as if out of an enchantment! She then pointed the other customer to someone else, took Peajaye's gold, and then handed him off to another helper elf. This one would "set up" the magical Crystal Pad for Peajaye.

This latest helper elf was a pleasantly nerdish but befuddled elf, as many of the Entitled and Important customers clamored for his attention. Luckily, "setting up" the magical Crystal Pad was not Brain Surgery, so Peajaye was able to do most of it on his own.

And soon Peajaye was back on the road again, glad to be away from the Apple Tree. Yet in a sense, Peajaye could still feel the branches of that Apple Tree; they were like tentacles that kept him attached through the magical Crystal Pad. And Peajaye wondered, just what kind of magic it was inside that Crystal Pad. 


Wednesday, May 2, 2012

Quest for the Magical Crystal Pad (Part 2)

When we last left Peajaye, he had just failed in his attempt to obtain a magical Crystal Pad at the Apple Tree (in the magical kingdom of the Dale of Glen).

But Peajaye soon found himself in the Desert of Palm & Springs, and so he called the Apple Tree nearby to see if the elves had any magical Crystal Pads in stock there. And joy, oh joy, the Apple elf told him that they did.

"Oh, how many?" asked Peajaye.

"Oh, I couldn't possibly give out that information," replied the elf. "That's Classified and Highly Secret."

"Oh," responded Peajaye. "I was only asking because I had been told that very same thing by an elf at the Dale of Glen store, only to discover they had none once I got there."

"Oh, I'm ever so sorry," said the elf with a very sad frowny voice. Peajaye pictured the elf making a very sad frowny face. "But I can assure you, if you get down here within an hour or so, there will be one waiting just for you."

And so off Peajaye went to the nearest Apple Tree.

Like many Apple Trees, this store was located in the part of the kingdom where the Very Rich and Important creatures lived. And these creatures felt very Entitled to many things, so Peajaye felt bad for the elves as they waited on the pampered and Not Very Bright inhabitants of the rich neighborhood of Desert of Palm & Springs.

Notwithstanding this fact, Peajaye still felt a little annoyed that he could not capture the attention of any Apple elf, many of whom stood hurried about aimlessly or talked among themselves, avidly avoiding eye contact with him.

Finally, a fine and Jolly Round elf sauntered up to Peajaye and proclaimed, "It looks like you could use some help, little fairy! What is it you desire?"

"Well," responded Peajaye, "I would like to purchase the magical Crystal Pad, and—"

"Let me stop you right there, little fairy, for we have a very Efficient and Technological procedure for handling this transaction. Come with me!"

Things were looking up, indeed!

[to be continued…]